Last night, durring a Zoom meeting I had with my therapy group, I spoke about the numbness I've been feeling over the past few days. It's a very similar numbness that I felt when I was growing up. Not present and not connected to my feelings, there, but not really there at all. I was very relieved to hear that I was not the only one who has been feeling this way.
My therapist suggested that I have been letting myself go a little numb as protection from the feelings of trauma and helplessness the quarantine is bringing up in me. She also said that it is up to me, whether I choose to own the protection that I am giving myself. That either I own it, or it will own me.
She reminded me that the helpless, uncomfortable, angry feelings are like another room in my house. It's a room that I work the very hard to avoid. A room that when I was younger, I got stuck in. A room that before I had the tools to deal with what I found inside, had been able to trap me inside its darkness. But now I have the choice to own this new/old room and make it a living part of my house, and make the house that is me, both bigger and stronger.
There have been so many times where events in my life have brought me back to this overwhelming numbness, and there will continue to be more. If I own it and spend time in it, I can make it a much less scary place for me, and I can be more aware of my choices whenever I am in this terror filled angry and hopless feeling space.